BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE
The life and times of the good ship Dragline
In the year 2525, Humanity somehow managed still to be alive. But the energy requirements of New Earth and its two dependent worlds have grown to the point where something needed to be done. These were the days of John Smith, inventor of the Smithsonian process of harvesting and stabilising the high energy crystals that can be found near black holes, orbiting them in the accretion disk. Attempts to put this theory in practice have not been easy, until the good ship Dragline and her gallant crew finally succeeded in finding the crystals more precious than Unobtainium, more expensive than the Spice melange, more sought after than the Philosophers' Stone. This is their story.
A corner of the stage lights up, revealing a desk and two chairs. The area is covered in a warm and cosy light. Noises are coming from off stage, and two men come in carrying Devices, which they put up on the desk.
NARRATOR: Is this thing going to take up the whole of my desk? I do need a little space to put my papers.
TRANSLATOR: Dead trees?! Yeesh! Use sentient sand like normal people. Anyway only the monitor needs to be on the desk, the processor can be underneath. Don't kick it though I built it myself and some of the conduits are a little sensitive.
The TRANSLATOR plonks a monitor up on the desk, plugs it into the rest of the machinery, turns it on. Nothing happens. He kicks the box, and with a Windows 95 startup sound it springs to life.
NARRATOR: I thought you said no kicking?
TRANSLATOR: It's different when I do it I know where to kick it. Got those recordings? (NARRATOR hands over a USB stick) Oh by the Lights, a USB stick?! Where'd you get that, a drokking museum? I'm going to need a universal business adapter for that. Searches in his bag. Ah. I knew I had one somewhere. (Pulls out a monstrosity of wires and plugs. Connects it to the Machine, plugs in the USB stick. A "Nope" sound emerges.) Oh. USB 3.0. Where's my patch cable? (Connects the stick properly. A Happy Sound plays.) There. Let's see what's on it.
NARRATOR: It's a rather old video I'm afraid. Are you sure your contraption can play it?
TRANSLATOR: Dude! This machine can translate any language in the known Universe, including Clanger and Whalesong. It can deal with a Human video file.
NARRATOR: Whalesong? What do whales have to sing about?
TRANSLATOR: (Shrugs) Mostly "What Are You Saying? I Can't Hear You With All This Noise! Bloody Humans And Their Drokking Submarine Mining!"
He fiddles with the machine, and with a ping, the rest of the stage lights up in a bright blue. Two women can be seen standing perfectly still next to a lectern with a glowing orb on it. One of the women has her hand on it.
GURRU: (In an alien, rasping voice:) Trade Minister Muthra. You can see I am busy. Why do you disturb my work?
MUTHRA: It is the Hu-mans, Supreme Ruler. One of them seeks congress with us.
TRANSLATOR stops the playback, the women freeze.
TRANSLATOR: Good. It works. Are you ready to start?
NARRATOR: Um. These are supposed to be the Aliens?
TRANSLATOR: Ya.
NARRATOR: I can't help noticing that they look rather like... Human women.
TRANSLATOR: Nothing gets past you, does it?
NARRATOR: I mean, to your credit, they are not wearing bikinis, but... this is not what the Aliens look like, is it?
TRANSLATOR: Nope. I'm piping the video through an anthropomorphic filter that translates unfamiliar shapes into familiar ones. Turns the monitor round to NARRATOR. This is what they really look like.
NARRATOR: (Claps hand in front of mouth to avoid being sick. Makes some religious gesture.) By the Light Everlasting!
TRANSLATOR: So I thought I'd transpose them into something nicer so that the little kids who have to learn all this drek don't start spewing their nutri-porridge all over the monitors.
NARRATOR: Future generations thank you. But still... Do they have to sound like that?
TRANSLATOR: Of course not. Hang on. Taps at the screen.
The Aliens return to their starting position.
GURRU: (This time in a sexy, sultry voice) Trade Minister Muthra. You can see I am... (deep breath) busy. Why do you disturb my work?
MUTHRA: It is the... (Licks her lips suggestively.) Hu-mans, Supreme Ruler. One of them seeks... congress with us.
TRANSLATOR: (Pauses the video.) I have loads of different voice profiles. We aim to please.
NARRATOR: What, exactly, do you use this... never mind. Can we have a normal voice, please?
TRANSLATOR: (Taps at the screen, restarts.) There.
GURRU: Normal voice: Trade Minister Muthra. You can see I am busy. Why do you disturb my work?
MUTHRA: It is the Humans, Supreme Ruler. One of them seeks congress with us.
NARRATOR: Thank you. Do you need anything? Tea? Coffee? Glass of water? No? Good. They sit down. Let's start.
The stage goes dark, leaving only the NARRATOR and the TRANSLATOR lit. The NARRATOR pulls up the microphone. (The next can be read off a piece of Dead Tree if desired).
NARRATOR: It was the year of 2525 Common Era. Humanity reached for the stars and found that to visit even the closest took more of the Blessed Light than the whole of Mother Earth could provide. More Light than was given us by our Source. And so the project was put to rest for an age, until our ships traversed the Void to the Sun itself, and drank deep of her Light. Finally, we could open a passage through the space-time continuum to our first neighbour Source. Humanity established another world there. Another home. What is done once, can be done again, and soon Humanity set down on another world, orbiting another Source. And on that World, Humanity asked for more, but the All-source said: no. You have your share. Before you go further, you must grow in wisdom and knowledge. Until then, here you are, and here you will stay.
The stage slowly turns red. A black background shows the stars too far to reach. Human figures can be seen silhouetted against the background watching.
NARRATOR: We have long known of the frightening places where the Light Everlasting shines no more. The Places of Ultimate Avarice, that will not allow even the Light itself to escape.
If at all possible, project an image of a black hole.
NARRATOR: Before disappearing forever, the Light tries desperately to escape the grasp of the Zone, by circling it at speeds long thought impossible. To save the Light from this unimaginable evil, is the destiny of all sentient Beings in the Infinite. For long, we thought we were all that sought the Light Everlasting.
We were wrong.
The stage turns light blue, again the White Women appear. One more time, Ladies...
GURRU: (Normal voice:) Trade Minister Muthra. You can see I am busy. Why do you disturb my work?
MUTHRA: It is the Humans, Supreme Ruler. One of them seeks congress with us.
GURRU: Humans? What might possess one of them to even approach us? Congress is denied. We will be merciful and allow them to leave as fast as their unsophisticated spaceships will allow.
MUTHRA: They came bearing gifts, Supreme Ruler. Holds up a shining crystal. Behold.
GURRU takes the crystal, turns it round looking at it, holds it out and drops it into MUTHRA's hand. MUTHRA has a heart attack in two of its three hearts.
GURRU: A trinket? A toy? A shiny thing such as we gave to the beasts of the other worlds? I will not forgive such an insult. They deserve no mercy. Destroy their ship.
MUTHRA: Careful, o Supreme Ruler! This is no mere trinket! Observe.
MUTHRA holds up the crystal and flicks it with a claw. The whole stage lights up in a blinding white light. GURRU cries out, holding its claws in front of its eyestalks.
MUTHRA: This object was harvested from the (incomprehensible noises).
Stage turns back to NARRATOR and TRANSLATOR.
NARRATOR: What by the Following Dark is that?
TRANSLATOR: It's a word not in the dictionary yet. Hang on. Analysing... Light... Round, no circling... Gravity... Darkness... Ah! I got it. Accretion disk. There we go.
Stage turns back to the White Women.
MUTHRA: This object was harvested from the accretion disk of the Black Hole nearest the Human world of Dirt.
GURRU: They named their planet after filth. How fitting. So it is a light. What of it?
MUTHRA: This is no mere light! This simple crystal contains within it enough energy to transport one of our heaviest spaceships across a galaxy!
GURRU: And they simply gift it to us? What do these beasts want in return? To be allowed to live?
MUTHRA: Nothing, Supreme Ruler. This is... I believe they called it a... (Change voice to indicate that this is a concept not in the Zarquonian language) Free Sample.
GURRU: Do you mean this is not the sum total of all their riches?
MUTHRA: (Very very carefully puts down the crystal.) They are sitting on a thousand tonne cargo hold of these crystals, in a stationary orbit round a small star. And they wish to know if we would like some more, and what we would give them in return.
GURRU: Give them? What madness is this? We will find them, and take it from them.
MUTHRA: That... may not be the most advantageous way forward, o Supreme Ruler. I believe that wisdom dictates that we ask them what they want in payment for this material.
GURRU: Payment? Trade Minister, do we buy milk from the Cows?
Pause, switch back to NARRATOR and TRANSLATOR.
NARRATOR: Hang on. Do these aliens have cows?
TRANSLATOR: They don't. This is just a figure of speech. (hurt) I worked very hard to translate things like that. I believe they have some kind of subservient being that they use for food and raw materials. The translation routines substituted cows and milk.
NARRATOR: Very impressive, well done.
TRANSLATOR: It can even detect sarcasm in alien languages.
NARRATOR: Oh do get on with it.
Switch back to white women.
GURRU: Do we buy milk from the cows? No! We take the milk from them, and if they object, we eat them! Where are these... humans? We will find them, and take from them what they have. If you suggest trading with animals, I question the wisdom in appointing you Trade Minister.
MUTHRA: Animals? Let me tell you what they did. These "animals" built faster-than-light space ships. They flew them to the nearest Black Hole. And they were instantly fried by the radiation. They built ten more space ships, each with a stronger radiation shield. And those ships were fried by the radiation. The path of Wisdom clearly dictated that they should give up, but they did not. They gained the knowledge of the Unobtainium-Handwavium alloy. They coated their hull plates with this material and their next ship was not consumed by the radiation.
GURRU: And then these animals succeeded in scooping up... (picks up crystal) This?
MUTHRA: No. They flew too close to the Black Hole, got pulled in by the gravity and spaghettified.
Back to TRANSLATOR and NARRATOR.
NARRATOR: They have a word for spaghetti?
TRANSLATOR: Are we not all creatures of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
NARRATOR: No, we are not.
Back to White Women.
MUTHRA: Spaghettified. They learnt how to increase the power of their engines. And still, they flew too close and were destroyed. Then, they tried sending small craft suspended on cables. Even the strongest cables snapped and...
GURRU: They failed again. From the fact that this... thing is on my work station now. I can tell that they eventually managed not to fail. What was it that finally brought them success?
MUTHRA: They found that small craft with a single pilot could fly in, scoop up some of the crystals, and fly out again. Several of their pilots were lost before they found the proper ways. And so, they succeeded. The Humans now have enough energy crystals to power not just their own, but many civilisations.
GURRU: (laughs an evil laugh.) And soon, very soon, we will have enough energy crystals to rule the Galaxy!
Blackout.
Back to just the NARRATOR and the TRANSLATOR.
NARRATOR: The first ship to venture out to the Void was named Intrepid. It was lost with all hands. It was followed by the Mona, the Titanic, the Lusitania, the Mistral, the Sirocco, the Fortuna, then the Digger, and finally, the first ship ever to return, named the Dragline. Her captain was Leah Minster.
Stage turns a dark warm white. MINSTER can be seen at the helm, performing her pre-flight checks. The door opens (SFX), and BELMONT, ROSS, and REDINGTON enter.
COMPUTER: (Ping) Distance to station five thousand meters. Maneuvering thrusters off line. Awaiting clearance for in-system drive.
BELMONT: Captain Minster?
MINSTER: (Turns round in chair) That's me. Who are you?
BELMONT: Sergeant Jack Belmont, Ma'am. Delivering the two convicts. Ninety-Five and Ninety-Six. (Holds out tablet) Please sign.
MINSTER: (Presses thumb onto the pad.) What are their names?
BELMONT: (Confused) Names, Ma'am?
MINSTER: The workers. Their names?
BELMONT: They're convicts. They don't have any.
MINSTER: (Long look at BELMONT, then turns to the convicts.) What are your names?
ROSS: Ross Ma'am.
REDINGTON: Redington.
MINSTER: Ross and Redington. Welcome on board the good ship Dragline.
BELMONT: (Pulls out handcuffs.) Ninety five, ninety-six, hands. (They hold out their hands, BELMONT starts cuffing them.).
MINSTER: Hey. What are you doing Officer?
BELMONT: Restraining the convicts Ma'am.
MINSTER: Why?
BELMONT: Regulations Ma'am.
MINSTER: Not on my ship Officer. Put away those cuffs.
BELMONT: Captain. Under the Death Penalty Transmutation Regulations, chapter ten section eight, all convicts must be restrained while not performing their assigned duties. It's for your own safety. These are convicted criminals. Ninety-five here killed a security guard in cold blood, and you really don't want to know what ninety-six here has done.
REDINGTON: I never did a thing! This whole...
BELMONT: (Pulls out a device, holds it up, glaring at REDINGTON. REDINGTON shuts up, shrinks.) That's more like it, ninety-six.
MINSTER: (Walks up to the convicts, looks them in the eye. They both look away quickly.) Get out, Belmont.
BELMONT: These are hardened criminals, Ma'am. It is not allowed to leave them alone with you. It's the Law.
MINSTER: On this ship, I am the drokking law. Get out.
BELMONT: You have that authority Captain. Be advised. You are choosing to ignore my warning. I'm not liable for whatever happens.
MINSTER: Whatever happens, happens. Zark off.
BELMONT leaves, leaving the MINSTER alone with ROSS and REDINGTON.
MINSTER: Gentlemen. As of thirty minutes ago, the airlocks are closed, and we are awaiting clearance to engage the in-system drive which will take us out of the Oört Cloud. From this moment, we are in the same boat. There is no going back.
REDINGTON: There never was. (Jerks head at ROSS) Ninety-five here was for the hot tub if you know what I mean.
MINSTER: (Sneers) Yeah.
REDINGTON: And they were going to put me in the general population. With what the bastards accuse me of, that's the same thing only takes longer.
MINSTER: Volunteers are hard to get for this kind of gig. I am not promising you anything better than what you got out of. We're in the Black. This Universe is finely tuned to kill us. We only survive by sheer bloody mindedness. Which brings me to why you're here. Have you been told?
ROSS, REDINGTON: (Both shake heads)
MINSTER: Well then. Best get started on that. (Into intercom) Chief MacLean? To the bridge, please. (To workers) You are on board the independent mining vessel Dragline. In a few minutes, we will be engaging our FTL engines and set course for the black hole named Gaia BH1, also known as R'lyeh. (Grim smile) For its habit of swallowing expeditions like ours whole. When we get to R'lyeh, we will be zooming round the accretion disk, and with our mining shuttles we will harvest the energy crystals. An energy crystal the size of your fist is worth as much as a ton of Unobtainium. You, my dear chaps, are going to be piloting the mining shuttles.
COMPUTER: (Ping) Clearance for in-system FTL drive received. Engaging.
SFX: Engine startup, low drone of engines throughout.
MACLEAN: (Enters) What is yer bidding Captain?
MINSTER: Chief. (Points at the workers.) These gentlemen are Mr. Ross and Mr. Redington. They need to be shown how not to fly a mining shuttle straight into R'lyeh. Take them to the simulators please.
MACLEAN: Captain? Are these the... gentlemen from the DPTA? The Death Penalty Transmutation Agency, you'll remember?
MINSTER: They are. They are happy to be on board, and eager to start their duties, aren't you Gentlemen?
MACLEAN: Captain. Given the nature of these people's employment. (Eyeing up the new workers) Have they been given a feasibility study of diverting our good ship to alternate locations?
MINSTER: A fair point well made, Chief. (Turns to workers, widely gestures.) This, Gentlemen, is the Faster-than-light mining vessel Dragline. Currently travelling at... (Looks at instruments) twelve C, and accelerating. In about an hour, we will enter interstellar space, and then we'll engage the Smethurst Drive. Do you both know what that is?
ROSS: No, Captain.
REDINGTON: Not a clue.
MINSTER: (Sweet smile) Good. We will keep it that way. All you need to know is that it took a big lump of sentient sand three months to plot our course. It's not a case of turn right at the third star and on till morning. Bugger up any of the controls, and not only will we never get where we're going, we won't ever get back anywhere civilised. (Waves hand at MACLEAN) We know how to sail this crate. Our course is set in Unobtainium. Nobody knows how to turn round and fly back. Don't bother asking. Don't bother trying to force us. Can't be done. We have water, air and food for a year. You fuck around with anything on this vessel, that's how long your hot tub is going to last. (Menace) Any drokking questions?
ROSS: No Captain.
REDINGTON: So what's the food like?
MACLEAN: Three tons of the best synthetic haggis, me lads. Only the best for this crew.
MINSTER: Oh by the Following Dark, who put you in charge of catering?
MACLEAN: You did, Captain.
MINSTER: May you be eaten last.
NARRATOR: The good ship Dragline had a safe journey to the Black